Blurred Lines – the cost of broken boundaries

Many people pleasers struggle to set boundaries. Hell, most of us don’t even know what our boundaries are! And this can leave us disconnected from our needs and emotions. So, let’s explore how being a people pleaser messes with our boundaries…and what we can do about it.

1. The People-Pleasing Phenomenon

People-pleasing stems from a combination of childhood experiences, cultural pressures, and innate personality traits. One significant psychological theory that helps explain this behaviour is attachment theory. It posits that people with an insecure attachment style (which developes when a caregiver provides inconsistent or unreliable care to the child) may become people pleasers as adults, seeking external validation to fill the emotional void they felt during childhood. As a result, they might struggle to articulate their own boundaries, believing their self-worth is tied to the approval of others.

Consider someone who grew up in an environment where they received love only when they performed well or made others happy. As adults, they might unknowingly prioritise others’ needs over their own, leading to a blurred sense of what they truly want or need. This can create a cycle where pleasing others becomes second nature, and their own limits become neglected.

2. Lack of Self-Awareness

One of the biggest challenges for people pleasers, but definitely the most vital component to recovery, is self-awareness. Taking the time to reflect on your behaviour, noticing how it affects your emotions, relationships and overall satisfaction with life is a key recovery skill. Taking responsibility for yourself can be a painful process at times, especially when you’ve believed you’re a good person who’s always tried to do the right thing, however, once you can take a step back and see your behaviour objectively, you can ask yourself questions such as, ‘do I really want to do this or that?’ ‘Does this really make me happy?’ or ‘have I told myself it’s what I’m supposed to do?’

Asking these questions can be liberating and means we can begin to reflect on what we actually want, what truly makes us happy and what values we want to live by.

3. The Power of Vulnerability

Increasing our self-awareness can also help us do something that many of us have been avoiding, being vulnerable. Sociologist Brené Brown suggests that vulnerability is not a weakness; rather, it’s a measure of courage. When we prioritise pleasing others, we deny ourselves the vulnerability of stating our needs. The irony is that, in avoiding the discomfort of asserting our boundaries, we might end up feeling far more vulnerable when we feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of.

4. The Trap of Avoiding Conflict

Another theory that explains people pleasing behaviour is cognitive dissonance. This occurs when our beliefs and actions are inconsistent, leading to internal conflict. For example, if a people pleaser values honesty but frequently says “yes” to requests they’d rather decline, they experience cognitive dissonance. This internal conflict causes anxiety and frustration and can keep us stuck in an unhealthy cycle.

Imagine a situation where a co-worker regularly asks for your help on projects. Inside, you feel frustrated because you’re overwhelmed with your own tasks. Still, you willingly assist to maintain a good relationship. Each time this occurs, the gap between your values and actions grows wider, fostering feelings of resentment towards both the situation – and yourself.

5. Tapping into your Gut Instincts

Recognising your people pleasing behaviour is the first step toward reclaiming your boundaries. To develop genuine boundaries, it’s crucial to tap into your gut instincts and become familiar with your feelings and emotions as they arise. Here’s how I got back in touch with my gut instincts:

1. Listen to Your Emotions: Start to pay attention to your physical and emotional responses in various situations. Notice when you feel discomfort, anxiety, or frustration — these feelings often signal that your boundaries are being tested.
2. Distress Tolerance: Instead of pushing away uncomfortable feelings, practice distress tolerance techniques. This means acknowledging and accepting your emotions without judgment. I find a few deep breaths followed by a phrase such as, ‘it’s OK to feel….that’s normal’ is really helpful. By tolerating these feelings, and realising they will pass, you can create space to respond more authentically.
3. Act on Your Gut Instincts: As you become more in tune with your emotions, begin to experiment with asserting your needs. If your instinct tells you to say “no,” practice voicing that response. Remember, it’s a form of self-care and integrity. When you honour your gut feelings, you reaffirm your own boundaries, paving the way for living authentically.

Being a people pleaser often blinds us to our own boundaries. By giving yourself permission to examine your behaviour and actively working on self-awareness and boundary-setting, you can cultivate healthier relationships with yourself and others. Remember, honouring your boundaries doesn’t make you selfish; it’s an essential part of self-care and maintaining balanced relationships. Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s—embracing this truth is the first step toward gaining control and choosing peace.

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