When being an empath means abandoning yourself

This might be controversial but being an empath isn’t always a strength. As a people pleaser, my ability to empathise was something I prided myself on—until I realised that being an empath often meant I was abandoning my own needs and feelings. Unravelling this truth was not easy, but it was crucial for my growth and self-care. Here are five ways I found that being an empath can lead to self-abandonment, and how I learned to navigate through this complex emotional terrain.

1. Overextending My Energy

One of the most noticeable ways I abandoned myself as an empath was through overextending my energy to help others. I often found myself emotionally drained after supporting friends and clients, feeling their struggles as deeply as my own. There were countless times when I said yes to others’ needs, neglecting my well-being in the process. I realised that while it’s great to be there for others, I had to prioritise my energy and learn how to lovingly saying “no” when I felt I needed to.

2. Ignoring My Own Feelings

Being an empath made it easy for me to tune into others’ emotions (in fact, it was often a superpower that helped me connect deeply with others) but this also led to me ignoring my own feelings. I would focus so much on comforting others that I pushed my own needs aside. This resulted in a build-up of unexpressed emotions, making me often feel overwhelmed and angry. I would bottle up my emotions then inevitably have an outburst, which would be quickly followed by a shame spiral and then me apologising. Eventually I realised I was disconnected from my needs. I learned that acknowledging my feelings isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for maintaining my emotional health. I started to notice I could manage my emotions much better once I regularly acknowledged them.

3. Neglecting Self-Care

Understanding the importance of self-care has been one of the biggest changes I have made in my life. I realised I had perceived self-care as something that I was not worthy of, something I was never working ‘hard enough’ to earn.  This thought pattern was just another example of my self-abandonment. I realised that to be truly present and supportive for those I care about, I needed to fill my own cup first. Self-care had to become a priority—to avoid this cycle of abandonment.

4. People-Pleasing at My Own Expense

Another realisation was how my empathic nature often translated into people-pleasing behaviours. I wanted to make others happy and felt responsible for their feelings. This led to compromising my own beliefs and desires. I was saying yes to things I didn’t genuinely want to do, all in the name of maintaining harmony. Understanding that it’s okay to honour my own preferences and values was a significant turning point in recognising my worth and agency.

5. Losing My Identity

Perhaps the most profound realisation was how my identity became intertwined with others’ experiences. In my quest to support those around me, I found it difficult to articulate who I was outside of my role as a caregiver or counsellor. I had almost lost touch with my own interests and passions, prioritising everyone else’s needs above my own. Rediscovering my identity involved reconnecting with hobbies and passions that once brought me joy, like Pilates, cooking and bushwalking, which allowed me to create a stronger sense of self.

Through these experiences, I have embraced a healthier relationship with my empathy. I learned the importance of boundaries, self-care, and honouring my feelings. It’s a journey of continuous growth, but now I understand that being empathetic doesn’t mean abandoning myself. Instead, I’ve discovered that true empathy flourishes when I nurture my own emotional well-being. By prioritising my needs, I can continue to support others authentically and compassionately. Remember, your feelings matter too, and being an empath doesn’t have to come at the cost of losing yourself.

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