NO is a full sentence!

Tips for holding boundaries and disagreeing with grace

When I began to realise I was a people pleaser, one of the first things I noticed about my pleasing behaviour was my inability to disagree with people. I would nod along when I deep down, I really wanted to speak up. This behaviour would leave me feeling frankly pathetic. I was ashamed of my inability to share my opinion or disagree with someone. But I have learnt on my people pleasing recovery journey that finding your voice and speaking your truth is never as scary as your imagination makes it out to be.

So here are some tips I’ve learnt along the way to help you on your journey.

3 ways to I learnt to speak up

1. I worked on my assertiveness: Assertiveness can feel like aggression to people pleasers as we’ve spent our lives keeping others happy, but used right, it can be much gentler and nuanced. I practiced phrases in front of a mirror, while I was driving or on a walk, it was a great way to find the language that felt comfortable for me. Once I had a few phrases up my sleeve, I started with low-stakes situations and challenged myself to say one of my phrases. It was a revelation to find no one flew off the handle at me!

2. Used “I” Statements: We want to share our opinions without sounding confrontational, right? I found employing “I” statements was a great way to express my thoughts. For example, instead of saying, “You’re wrong about that,” I tried, “I feel differently because…”. This shifted the focus away from accusing the other person and opened up a dialogue where both sides could feel heard.
3. Request a One-on-One Chat: Sometimes, disagreements can get messy in a group setting. If the moment felt too heated, I would consider asking for a private conversation. I would say something like, “Hey, can we discuss this a bit more? I’d love to share my thoughts with you.” This smaller setting made it easier to have a respectful conversation and clear the air.

3 ways I stopped putting others first

1. I worked on my self-worth: I started asking myself questions like, ‘Do other people matter more than I do?’ Answer: NO! ‘Do I deserve to be heard as much as everyone else?’ Answer: YES! ‘Do I deserve to be treated well?’ Answer: YES! When I started to realise everyone is equal and I deserve to be treated with as much kindness and respect as I was affording others, I began to realise my need did matter and I was allowed to take up space.
2. I started setting boundaries: I’m not going to lie, this felt scary, but I knew nothing was going to change if I didn’t start setting boundaries. I started small like saying, “I can help with that tomorrow, but I have plans today.” I realised it was about remembering my time and energy is just as important as everyone else’s and that really helped with those familiar guilty feelings.
3. I practiced self-compassion: I was kind to myself! For many people pleasers, we are incredibly hard on ourselves. I cannot express how life changing self-compassion has been on my journey. I started with everyday comments I would make to myself, like if I dropped something or forgot something. I changed the language I used so instead of saying, ‘you stupid girl!” I would say, ‘whoops a daisy!’ The impact on my nervous system when I spoke to myself with kindness and acceptance was immense. The more you speak to yourself with kindness, the easier and more automatic it becomes. Your behaviour will soon follow.

3 ways I learnt to say NO!

1. I was polite but direct: Guess what – you’re allowed to say “No, thank you”. For people pleasers, we’ve become adept at over-explaining ourselves, which can water down your message and give people the chance to convince you to do them a favour or agree with them. Giving yourself permission to not provide lengthy explanations or excuses can be life changing.
2. I used the “Sandwich” method: When I needed to say no to a friend or someone close, I employed the “sandwich” method. It starts with a positive statement, followed with your no, and then ending with another encouraging remark. For example: “I loved spending time with you last week. Unfortunately, I can’t make it this weekend. Let’s plan for another time soon!”
3. I offered an alternative: When I genuinely wanted to keep the connection but couldn’t fulfil their request, I would suggest an alternative that suited me. “I can’t help you with that project this week, but I can connect you with someone who can!” This showed I cared and wanted to help but in a way that kept my best interests in mind.

Finding your voice and learning to say no takes practice, but trust me, it’s worth it. Remember, your needs are just as important as everyone else’s, and it’s perfectly okay to express your opinions. By using these techniques, you’ll not only stand up for yourself but also cultivate healthier relationships in your life. So, go ahead and start speaking your truth—your peace of mind is waiting!

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