How do I rescue thee?

Let me count the ways! My insights into why I jump in to fix other people’s problems – and how I’m learning to stop

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt an overwhelming urge to play the peacemaker. It stemmed from a deep-seated desire to help and maintain harmony – and a fear of confrontation, but I’ve started to realise that this impulse can often do more harm than good. As I’ve navigated my own journey of recovering from people-pleasing, I’ve gained some key insights into why I jump in to fix other people’s issues. I’ve been working on developing my own practical steps to change this behaviour – and I’d like to share them with you.

Insight 1: Trying to Keep the Peace

One of my primary reasons for stepping in to resolve conflicts was a desire to keep the peace. I thought that by stepping in, I could create harmony and prevent discomfort. I told myself I was doing it to protect everyone’s feelings but really, I was doing it to protect myself. I realised arguing, especially arguments I was adjacent to were triggering for me. They would fill me with such anxiety, the only way I knew (as many people pleasers do) was to placate, appease or in counselling terms, fawn. And even though this behaviour helped smooth things over in the moment, I’ve learned the hard way this often results in long term issues. By fixing others’ problems, I usually ended up letting underlying tensions simmer – sometimes for years.

Here’s some of the unintended consequences of my peacekeeping efforts:

• Unresolved Issues: My tendency to intervene often stopped others from addressing their own conflicts, leading to resentment and avoidance.
• Dependency: In my attempts to be helpful, I inadvertently fostered a reliance on me, which meant the people I was trying to support were less likely to learn how to solve their own problems.
• Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly mediating conflicts left me feeling drained and overwhelmed as I took on the weight of everyone else’s burdens.

How I’m learning to stop

• There’s something in the counselling world we call distress tolerance. It’s the concept of learning to navigate uncomfortable feelings as they arise. Most of us will run away from discomfort – but learning to sit it in and realise these feelings are fleeting, can be a powerful tool in managing your interpersonal relationships. Challenging myself to feel the feeling and realising I can tolerate it, move through it and come out the other side, all within a matter of moments, has stopped me from falling victim to knee jerk reactions that leave me feeling weak and powerless.

• Once that uncomfortable feeling has passed, I encourage a more open dialogue by asking questions that empower others, like, “What do you think you can do to address this?”
• I practice mindful listening, allowing others to express their frustrations without rushing to fix them, creating a safe space for the people I love to make their own decisions
• I’ve started to set clear boundaries, defining what I am willing and able to help with, empowering others to make their own choices.

Insight 2: Discovering the dark side of People-Pleasing

While trying to be helpful, I’ve unfortunately tapped into the darker side of people-pleasing. Just like yin and yang, every good intention has a negative one.

I realised that my actions could be perceived as controlling and disrespectful, the opposite of what I wanted to project. I learned that in my attempts to be seen as supportive and kind, I was inadvertently disempowering those around me.

This behaviour led to:

• Disempowerment: My efforts to resolve issues often communicated that other people were incapable of handling their own problems, which was never my intention. My son has found this especially difficult as at times I was stopping him from developing his autonomy and learning from his mistakes and my husband felt unsupported and dictated to.  
• Internal Conflict: I grappled with guilt and frustration as I recognised the dissonance between my intention to help and how I was affecting our family dynamics.
• Avoidance of Emotions: To sidestep discomfort, I found myself avoiding my own feelings, which only entrenched my controlling habits.

How I’m Learning to Stop:

• I now take time to acknowledge my role and how my actions may contribute to a controlling environment. Recognising this fine line has been eye-opening for me.
• I’m focusing on empowering others by shifting from solving problems to facilitating solutions, offering guidance rather than direct answers and allowing them to explore their options.
• Finally, I’ve learned the importance of cultivating self-compassion. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable or uncertain; embracing my imperfections has revealed that I can still be valuable without needing to “fix” everything. Although this is certainly a work in progress!

Insight 3: Avoiding Confrontation

I’ve discovered that my fear of confrontation played a significant role in my tendency to jump in and fix problems. The discomfort associated with conflict has often led me to avoidance, which typically made situations worse for everyone involved.

I found that avoiding confrontation resulted in:

• Stagnation: By sidestepping conflict, I missed opportunities for growth—not only for myself but also for those I was trying to help.
• Increased Tension: Ignoring issues eventually led to unresolved conflicts that festered, straining relationships over time.
• Letting Others Down: My habit of jumping in meant not only was I abandoning myself, but I was doing so to my family too. This left my family feeling frustrated and unheard. By trying so hard to create a different family dynamic to the one I had grown up in, I realised I had recreated it, just in a different way. This was devastating and something I was determined to rectify.

How I’m learning to stop:

• I’ve been reframing my view of confrontation, learning to see it as an opportunity for growth rather than a negative experience. This shift in perspective has made it easier to face difficult situations.
• Developing assertiveness has empowered me to express my thoughts and feelings confidently without aggression. I began practicing these skills in small conversations to build my confidence.

Through my journey, I’ve realized that the need to jump in and fix other people’s problems has often stemmed from a deep seeded fear of confrontation. By embracing these insights, I’m actively choosing to step back and allow others to address their challenges while prioritising my own well-being. While change isn’t easy, I’ve found that with self-kindness, patience and perseverance, I am getting there, one step at a time.

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